Storytime

Hey you guys. I have a little less than two weeks until I graduate. Like how the fuck did I make it this far? Literally this time last year I had a suicide note written out and I had the whole entire way I was gonna die planned out. But now I've got my gown hung up in my room with the cap in the bag. I have a crazy-ass dress that even I didn't think I would wear to graduation. It's a tight body con dress I have never worn anything tight to my highschool. Not many people are understanding on chubby people at my school. It's weird. But so I'll wear this dress and no one but myself and my mom will know what is under it. I don't know why but that makes me feel like a badass like hey, I'm out of high school and I finally realize how good my body actually looks. I don't need to wear baggy t-shirts and jeans like girl you can rock the shorts that you were looking at in the store a week ago. You CAN wear a tank top. I felt empowered. All because of a dress. And because after nearly a year of building myself up and talking to myself about how good you look and how you don't have to listen to what dad says about you being "fat" Also at this time I had my first "boyfriend." Now I put quotations because we never were like yeah, we're boyfriend and girlfriend. We'd kiss and hug and go out by ourselves but we never said: "Do you wanna be my boyfriend/girlfriend?" but we were happy or so I thought. But that's a different story. I was finally happy with myself. After self-harm when I was fourteen then being clean for like three years and relapsing I didn't think I would ever make it to graduation let alone get a "boyfriend" that looked like he did. But I did it. I felt good. I thought I looked good I wasn't gonna let anyone bring me down. My life did a 360. No, not a 180. It's been roughly two months since graduation and I can't sleep, barely eat, no longer have a "boyfriend" who compliments me every day. I'm most definitely back on my shit. My parents think I'm stressed about work. My friends ignore me every day. And I am not exaggerating. I can message them at like noon and I won't get a response back for days. Yeah, I get it we're all on summer break but it doesn't take forever to send a quick text that says "Sorry can't talk." even though they are lying because they spend all their time on socials anyway or sleep all fucking day. If you have a friend who is depressed and you know has relapsed before fucking check on them. They need support too. Don't just go to them when you need something. My main point for this letter was to say, even after doubting yourself, you'll surprise yourself. I never thought I'd walk across the stage at my high school graduation. I thought I'd watch the class walk next to my two best friends from the clouds. But after I took my diploma I looked up and smiled at the sky because I knew they were watching and they are always watching. Love your friends while you still have them because you never know when they won't be here anymore.