Storytime

Hey you guys. I have a little less than two weeks until I graduate. Like how the fuck did I make it this far? Literally this time last year I had a suicide note written out and I had the whole entire way I was gonna die planned out. But now I've got my gown hung up in my room with the cap in the bag. I have a crazy-ass dress that even I didn't think I would wear to graduation. It's a tight body con dress I have never worn anything tight to my highschool. Not many people are understanding on chubby people at my school. It's weird. But so I'll wear this dress and no one but myself and my mom will know what is under it. I don't know why but that makes me feel like a badass like hey, I'm out of high school and I finally realize how good my body actually looks. I don't need to wear baggy t-shirts and jeans like girl you can rock the shorts that you were looking at in the store a week ago. You CAN wear a tank top. I felt empowered. All because of a dress. And because after nearly a year of building myself up and talking to myself about how good you look and how you don't have to listen to what dad says about you being "fat" Also at this time I had my first "boyfriend." Now I put quotations because we never were like yeah, we're boyfriend and girlfriend. We'd kiss and hug and go out by ourselves but we never said: "Do you wanna be my boyfriend/girlfriend?" but we were happy or so I thought. But that's a different story. I was finally happy with myself. After self-harm when I was fourteen then being clean for like three years and relapsing I didn't think I would ever make it to graduation let alone get a "boyfriend" that looked like he did. But I did it. I felt good. I thought I looked good I wasn't gonna let anyone bring me down. My life did a 360. No, not a 180. It's been roughly two months since graduation and I can't sleep, barely eat, no longer have a "boyfriend" who compliments me every day. I'm most definitely back on my shit. My parents think I'm stressed about work. My friends ignore me every day. And I am not exaggerating. I can message them at like noon and I won't get a response back for days. Yeah, I get it we're all on summer break but it doesn't take forever to send a quick text that says "Sorry can't talk." even though they are lying because they spend all their time on socials anyway or sleep all fucking day. If you have a friend who is depressed and you know has relapsed before fucking check on them. They need support too. Don't just go to them when you need something. My main point for this letter was to say, even after doubting yourself, you'll surprise yourself. I never thought I'd walk across the stage at my high school graduation. I thought I'd watch the class walk next to my two best friends from the clouds. But after I took my diploma I looked up and smiled at the sky because I knew they were watching and they are always watching. Love your friends while you still have them because you never know when they won't be here anymore.

weird things I thought were normal as a kid and teenager

I'm the oldest in my family and neither of my parent's graduated high school. And here I am twenty-four days till I walk across a stage and collect my diploma. My parents have pressured me into doing everything that I have done my entire school career. My mom knows and she sees nothing wrong with it. How can you not realize that not everyone peer pressures their own children? My mom pressured me from a very young age about everything. I always had it drilled into my head that YOU as a female cannot be anywhere on the bigger side. This was put in my head by an obese mother and an overweight father. They were constantly making comments on my weight while my younger sisters never really dealt with that. I feel like if I wasn't always called chunky or gordita by my parents I wouldn't be bigger. I am not over overweight but I am bigger. I do have a chunkiness to me. I have a little more meat to grab onto. While my sisters who were never told to watch what they eat and that they are too big for a girl their age are the perfect size to my parents. They both weigh about 135-150lbs. My dad nor my mother sees anything wrong with their size and they were always left to control their own diets and such. I always thought it was normal for parents to talk to their daughters that way. Until I was in the fifth grade when I had someone ask me why I always had to eat smaller portions than my siblings. I remember looking at that person and saying "So your older siblings never had a diet like this?" In my little brain, I was shocked. Like seriously even older siblings get to eat like the others? From that day forward I never let my parents make another food decision for me. And now here I am at eighteen weighing roughly 200lbs. People always tell me I don't look it which I feel is a lie because my parents and sisters always say shit about my weight. I have learnt to ignore them though. But when they could no longer control my eating habits they changed to what I take and do in school. I didn't want to be in the school band and I was forced to take that. I was miserable in band from my sixth grade year up until my senior year in high school. My mom made me take all those classes about how to cook how to sew how to take care of a baby. You know the ones you really don't want to take but know they will help you in the future, not to brag but I'm a pretty stellar cook. And I can sew six blankets in three hours. Yes, those will help with my future as a mother and a wife with a job. But still, no one should be forced to take those classes. And I took them. Not knowing any better I let them basically plan my future. They made me take all the medical classes that are physically possible for any high school student. I really doubt they thought I'd take a genuine liking to it and turn it into a career. I at the age of seventeen had my CNA and a very stable job working with only adults. My life was very professional. My dad in the long run basically made me pay rent to live in my childhood home. When I transitioned to my new job I again work with only adults. I am the youngest of my employers.  He thinks my rent is supposed to go up because I make a whole fifty cents more an hour. I again thought that was normal until a lot of my friends heard about it and told me that their parents have never done that. Now with quitting my first job, I was unemployed for three months. And in the time I was unemployed I was not actively looking for a job. Actually the job I have now found me. But what my parents don't know is that I have been looking for an apartment to live in. And I have found many. I only need a couple of months to get all the money I need for one. So they will get a rude awakening when one of their sources of income leaves them for something better. And that is something I can not wait for. The day I get a renters van to help me move out. Can't wait to see their faces as I take a wave as I pull out of the driveway. And they won't even know where the new place will be.

December 18

So I woke up today and didn't think anything of it. Then it happened... I got to school and I had a test in Government. Barely passed that. Then I went home because I couldn't handle today at all. I mean sure we taped the principle to a wall but still. Then I found a letter I wrote when my good friend committed. And now here we are at 20:14 and I haven't stopped crying for approximately two hours. And I also started to look at apartments. With how expensive they are it'd just be easier and about the same price to just buy a freaking house. The house I live in with my family is about 800$ and then all the add on's such as water, gas, electricity, television, and internet. Which altogether is about 1,000$. When I move out though I won't have TV I'll just do Netflix. It's cheaper and you have no commercials. But I have to factor in if I wanna get in a serious relationship and we buy the house together because then all the bills would be split basically. Or I could just get a roommate and rent. But looking at prices for apartments they are 500-1,000$ not including all the other things. And that is just renting. You'd be better off to just buy a house. But half the time my life's a shit show. What else can I expect? My parent's marriage is failing and I'm the oldest so I just add on to all the stress and here I am someone that they both vent to. All I hear about is how shitty their lives are together. I just want my kids to be able to think back and say "Damn no wonder moms like this" but it won't happen